Transparency

As I read through blogs I'm often jealous of the people writing them. On paper, their lives always look so much better than mine. Many in the blog realm never seem to struggle with life changes such as marriage and motherhood. Nor do they seem to doubt themselves or become frustrated by failures or misadventures big or small. Honestly, my life is not that perfect. As I began thinking about this, I questioned whether to continue with my blog. And if I did continue, should I only blog about fun things and gloss over things I struggle with? Somehow that seems fake to me. The reason I started this blog is to keep in touch with friends near and far, and now to keep a sort of journal for Abby. And I want that "record" to be real -- somewhat transparent. What does that mean? I don't exactly know. What I know it does mean is that I'm going to be myself -- a little sarcastic, with a bit of a bite (ask my husband about that one), and certainly far from perfect.

Along those lines, here are a few things I've been thinking about and struggling with lately:

• How do I be a mom and not lose myself? I so want to be the best mother possible to Abby, but does that mean giving up an identity of my own. I hope not. I want to be "Heather" -- wife, mother, lawyer, Christian; not "Abby's mom."
• I need to accept myself for who I am and who God made me to be. Period. If it is a little different from many of my friends, and if it rubs some people the wrong way so be it. Easier said than done.
• Learning to be content in all circumstances. We live in a small townhome we bought two years ago just before we got married. With me, Dave, Abby, and two rambunctious beagles 950 sq. feet doesn't go far. We'd love to buy a bigger place, and could afford to do so if it weren't for the fact that we bought at the height of a market that has since plummeted. Alas, we can't sell our house for nearly what we paid for it. I'm trying to find the balance between figuring out if there's a way to get out of here (thinking of renting out the townhome and buying a second, bigger, house for us to live in) while being content with what we have and thankful that we have a home we're in no danger of losing.

Unsolicited Advice

I've heard stories of mellow babies. Even seen them. You know the kind. They're happy and content in their carseat and smile happily as mom goes about her shopping. They sleep well and cry only when they need something. As I've said before this is not my Abby -- even now that she's Happy Abby. She hates her carseat and generally screams almost the entire time we're in the car, unless by luck she falls asleep. And she will NOT just sit contentedly in the infant carrier attached to the stroller as I shop. My theory is that the seat is too confining. I have what we affectionately refer to as an "active baby." Life has gotten much easier now that she can face forward in her Baby Bjorn because she LOVES that thing (of course she HATED it before she could face out) and outings are not quite the drama they once were.

Because of this, in her three short months we've had quite a few public meltdowns. Meltdowns in which she is virtually inconsolable and that garner quite a bit of attention from others. Inevitably, those witnessing said meltdown feel the need to offer advice. Here are my favorite comments and my, admittedly, snide remarks:

She must be hungry. This is the hands down favorite. I could be holding an empty bottle in my hand, or have just finished saying how she ate 20 minutes ago, and this is still the advice I get. Um, no, if I fed my kid as much as people seem to think I should she'd weigh 30 lbs at three months. And 16 lbs. at three months is bad enough on my arms!

I bet she'd be just fine if she were in her carseat/stroller. See above. The screaming would probably be worse if that were the case.

There must be something wrong, babies don't cry for no reason. Since when? Anyone heard of colic? Or a fussy baby? So glad your children never cried if they weren't wet, hungry, or tired, but mine does.

All this to say, I'm going to try to curb my own penchant for giving unsolicited advice.

Book Review: God's Whisper In a Mother's Chaos by Keri Wyatt Kent

Someone recently recommended this book to me as a new mom. Wow. I'm going to give this to every new mom I know from now on... I guess you could say it really spoke to me. What I love is that Kent wrote the book while she had two small, toddler-age, children, so she was writing from a place of current experience, not wisdom from afar. There is much to the book, but her basic premise is that we can continue to hear God in the midst of raising young children. We just need to learn how. Here are some good tidbits....

• As mothers, God uses the chaos of raising small kids to speak to us. And, although we should try to spend time alone in silence in order to hear God, we also need to learn to hear Him amidst the chaos.
• Our prayers of frustration, such as "God, please let her go to sleep," are indeed connections with God -- just not what we're used to.
• Let go of the guilt! She talks about the guilt we feel in our spiritual lives -- feeling compelled to have a "quiet time" every day, feeling like we don't pray enough, etc. -- and then suggests that we reevaluate the benchmarks by which we judge ourselves. Instead of judging ourselves by how much solitary contemplative time we spend with God, evaluate how we are doing as mothers and see this job as an act of service just as pleasing to Him.

Finally, her last chapter is about one's calling. Obviously, those of us with children are called to be mothers. But some of us are called to more. She writes:

"When I listen carefully to God's whisper, I hear him calling me to love my family and serve them. But when I go into solitude and get uncomfortably quiet with him, I also hear him telling me 'fan into flame the gift that is in you.' And one of the gifts he has put in me is the ability to use the written word to point people toward him. I'm not saying that to brag. My life would be simpler if I didn't feel compelled to write. But if I leave that gift unopened and undeveloped, I have been disobedient and, ironically, unfulfilled. If I ignore the other components of my calling, my family may get more of my time, but they get more time with a crabby person who is frustrated because she is not using some of the gifts God gave her and called her to use."

Wow. Okay, that is what I have been trying to say for months if not years about why I can't just stop being a lawyer. It took someone with the gift and "calling" to write to express it for me.

What We've Been Up To.....

I haven't posted in a while, so here are some pictures chronicling at least some of what we have been up to for the past several weeks....

Here's Abby hanging in her crib watching what we affectionately refer to as "Baby Crack." Seriously, we bought this mobile for her in December and it is a life saver. It instantly calms her and she could watch and talk to "Hippity and Friends" (so named because one of the characters is a bunny we call Hippity) for hours if we let her.


My good friend and former roommate, Amy, came to visit afer Christmas. We had a great time and Abby behaved quite nicely when we all went out to dinner at a local sushi place.


Can you tell where mommy wants Abby to go to college?


And, finally, our little girl turned three months old on January 15th. What everyone said about seeing a dramatic change in disposition at about this age has proven true for us. Crabby Abby has, for the most part, been replaced with Happy Abby. She giggles, coos and smiles with the best of them and is becoming such a mama's girl. This totally melts my heart!

The New Year

I've never been one for resolutions, but this year I've decided to make somewhat of a go of it. Here they are:

1. Lose the 10 lbs I gained before I found out I was pregnant.
2. Eat and cook more healthfully.
3. Take more pictures and video of Abby.... I'm notoriously bad about remembering pictures.
4. Stay in better contact with friends who are no longer nearby.
5. Learn ways to be a better wife and mother.